From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 23:25:54 -0600
Subject: Conversation in the Dark (post Rain King) by Cass
Source: direct

Reply To: cassphile@hotmail.com


TITLE: Conversation in the Dark 

AUTHOR: Cass (cassphile@hotmail.com)

CATEGORY: MSR

RATING: PG

SPOILER: Rain King; it won't really make sense unless you've seen
the ep.

DISCLAIMER: Sadly, these two lovely characters don't belong to me. 
<sigh> Credit goes to Chris Carter, etc.

ARCHIVE: If you want it, it's yours. :)

SUMMARY: Forced to share a motel room for their last night in 
Kroner, Mulder and Scully stay awake talking about denial,
revelation, and fate, and have a revelation or two of their
own in the process.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story constitutes my first attempt at fanfic,
and probably will be my only attempt for quite some time. It's
rare for me to have a really clear picture of what might happen
after an episode ends-- until, that is, I read all the post-ep
stories which other folks produce. <grin> Having said that, I'd
like to dedicate this story to all the wonderful writers who have
kept me so happily entertained in the year since I first
discovered fanfic. 

_____________________________________________________


KRONER, KANSAS
1:52 AM


Click! The light next to the bed went out as Mulder's fumbling 
hands found the switch. Reluctantly he rolled over and attempted 
to settle himself on his side of the hard mattress.

"I can't believe we have to get up in four hours." Scully sighed 
as she pulled the thin coverlet more tightly over her arm.

"You were the one who wanted to stay and dance, Scully. *I* was 
ready to head home as soon as the storm let up," he reminded her 
teasingly.

"Yeah, well, I figured as long as we were stuck here in this 
godforsaken place for another night, we might as well enjoy 
ourselves a little."

"Really? Are you saying you enjoyed dancing with me, Scully?" The 
mock leer on his face was audible, if not visible.

"I might have if you had refrained from attempting any Elvis 
moves." She returned a mock glare in his direction. "Though I have 
to admit that even so, this particular reunion proved to be 
slightly more entertaining than the last one of my own I 
attended."

"You mean you've actually been to one of your high school 
reunions?"

"Sure... three, actually. Each progressively worse than the last. 
I always say that I won't go, and then end up going anyway." 

"Eesh." Mulder wrinkled up his nose in disgust. "I can think of 
few things I'd be guaranteed to enjoy less than my high school 
reunion. I hated high school. Absolutely hated it. I can hardly 
think of one redeeming quality of that particular era in my life."

"Really?" Scully turned her head toward him. "Come on, Mulder, 
there must have been some girl, some club, some *something* that 
interested you as a teenager. Wouldn't any of the other kids join 
you in your UFO hunts back then?"

"Go ahead, laugh it up. I was a shy kid. I didn't make friends all 
that easily. It wasn't until I got to Oxford that I found people 
who shared my interests-- and no, I'm not just talking aliens 
here, I'm talking about academic stuff. People I could talk to 
about how the human mind worked. People who would listen to my 
ideas instead of dismissing me as crazy right off the bat." He 
paused, considering. "Come to think of it, most of them still did 
decide that I was crazy once they got to know me, but they kept 
hanging out with me anyway."

"Hmm, I wonder why." Her sarcasm was tinged with affection. After 
a pause, she added: "For the record, I definitely liked college 
better too. I remember the incredible sense of independence after 
leaving home, the freedom to be who I wanted, with whomever I 
wanted... it was exhilirating at times. I have a lot of good 
memories of those four years." She looked over at him. "Sounds 
like Oxford was something like that for you."

"Well, after spending six years alone with my parents, even four 
years of slave labor for Kersh would have been an improvement." He 
caught her barely-concealed smile out of the corner of his eye. 
"But yeah, Oxford was actually a pretty good deal. You know, 
hanging at the clubs on Park End, getting trashed in the college 
bar, late-night runs to the doner kebab vans... that was the 
life."

"And you actually managed to get work done in the midst of all 
this?" Scully's tone was dry and teasingly dubious.

"Sure. The fish and chips fueled me for the weekly all-nighters I 
pulled in order to write chapters of my psych thesis." He smiled 
wryly into the darkness. "Aside from the grease stains, I guess 
they turned out all right."

"I'm exhausted just thinking about it." She let a deep sigh 
validate her words. "G'night, Mulder."




2:04 AM


"Hey Scully."

"Hmm." Her face was comfortably half-buried in her pillow. Even as 
she tried to maintain her state of half-sleep, she sensed the 
impending ramblings as surely as she sensed his presence next to 
her. Leave it to Mulder to have deep thoughts at this time of 
night.

"I was just thinking... tonight... about how easy it is for a 
person to deceive himself. I mean, at some level Holman knew how 
he felt for all those years. But when he couldn't tell Sheila 
about it, it must have been so painful that he had to bury his 
feelings deeply... perhaps so much so, at times, that they were 
effectively hidden from his own consciousness. Just think about 
the extent of his denial, Scully."

Sigh. "Scary but true."

"Doesn't that worry you? I mean, the fact that people can deceive 
themselves to the point where an outsider can see the truth of 
their feelings even more clearly than they do? I wasn't being 
particularly perceptive about Holman... it was written all over 
his face. But Sheila never saw it, and she never thought to look 
for the same feeling in herself. It simply boggles the mind."

"Yes, it does." She considered for a moment. "But then again, it's 
really not all that surprising if you consider the intricacies of 
the human psychological makeup. In some ways we're programmed to 
hide difficult truths from ourselves, if only because the 
revelation of those truths would be too overwhelming to deal with. 
Sometimes people lie to themselves because they simply don't feel 
strong enough to confront their feelings-- or because their 
circumstances make emotional exposure especially risky. Everyone 
does this at times... some people are just more aware of what 
they're doing than others are." 

He snorted a bit in disagreement. "So you're saying that it's okay 
for people to lie to themselves about how they feel, as long as 
they know that they're doing it?" 

"No, I'm just saying that the act of denial is not necessarily 
always an unhealthy response to a constricting situation.   I 
mean, just because a person wants to believe doesn't always mean 
that she's at liberty to do so. There are other factors 
involved...  fear of rejection, of disappointment or 
disillusionment, or simply fear of change. No matter how badly a 
person craves the emotional release that would come if she faced 
her feelings, the risks involved often seem too great. When it 
comes down to it, the whole response results from a concern for 
her own emotional safety."

There was no answer.

"Mulder? Do you see what I mean?"

"Hmm." 

After another silent moment, Scully rolled over to face away from 
him. Her breathing slowed and steadied, but she did not sleep. 




2:13 AM


"Mulder."

"Yeah."

"Do you think that the risks we take as human beings, the words or 
actions that sometimes we ourselves don't even expect, somehow fit 
into a larger pattern of fate or destiny?" She paused, trying to 
find words for what she wanted to say. "I mean, for instance, do 
you think that Holman and Sheila are fated to be together-- have 
always been meant to be together-- but that they could only 
actually come together through the remarkable coincidence of their 
own individual actions over the years?... And do you think the 
same individual actions, driven by their own personalities and 
wills, might have have successfully thwarted fate in keeping them 
apart?" 

The room was warm and silent, no sound immediately forthcoming 
from the man lying next to her. In her mind's eye, she could see 
him shrug, his eyebrows raising just slightly as he considered her 
question. 

"I dunno, Scully. You could just as easily say that Holman was 
destined to reveal his true feelings at some point and bring 
everything to a head. It's what you just said about the human 
emotional response. Most people can only suppress those powerful 
emotions for so long... sooner or later, the dam has to burst, or 
at least leak a little. Holman was bound to get tired. And he did. 
So can't you say that his destiny was to reveal his love for 
Sheila only after twenty years of painful silence?"

"You mean he was *destined* to blunder his way to this 
revelation."

"Something like that, yeah." 

"Do you really believe that?"

He thought for a minute. "Occasionally," he admitted. "Not 
usually, though. However comforting the idea of fate may be, I 
think most of us need to believe that we have some control over 
what happens to us. In my case, it's almost a basic necessity of 
life." He smiled wryly, knowing that she'd understand *that* 
sentiment. "There's something infinitely liberating about the 
belief that the little decisions we make, even on a day to day 
basis, affect where we're going to be ten, twenty, fifty years 
down the road. I don't know... I like that feeling."

"Liberating, huh?" She nodded slowly in assent. "Probably why it's 
called free will."  

He smiled faintly, considering. "I guess revealing how he felt 
must have been an extremely liberating experience for Holman." 

"I guess so." 

"The news sure seemed to hit Sheila like a thunderbolt, though." 
He grinned smugly as he imagined the look that Scully was sure to 
be giving him.  

"Or a flash of lightning."

His smile grew broader. "Yeah, funny how things managed to work 
themselves out. For a minute there it looked like old Holman was 
out of luck. Just what was it you said to her in that bathroom, 
Scully?"

He could have sworn then that he heard a tiny popping noise, like 
the noise that lips make when they are pulled apart into a sudden 
smile. A quick breath, then a pause. "I guess you could say that I 
gave her some relationship advice."

He raised his eyebrows doubtfully. "Relationship advice?" No 
answer. "Scully, when's the last time you were in a relationship?"

He could feel her silent laughter through the darkness. "I'm not 
gonna answer that one."

He smiled. "Fair enough."

After a moment, she spoke again. "Actually, I didn't need to do 
much of anything. It was like you said... the feelings were 
already there... it had just never occurred to Sheila to think 
about them." She paused thoughtfully. "It really is amazing that 
love can run under the surface for so long... unknown to one, 
unspoken by the other. And yet from the looks of it, you'd never 
guess that either one of them regretted the frustrations of the 
last twenty years."

"Maybe they didn't want to deal with regret anymore." He turned 
his head just slightly toward the woman lying next to him. "Maybe 
the joy they found in the moment of fulfillment made every moment 
of separation worthwhile." 

As if it were an afterthought, he added: "Maybe there was a kind 
of joy in all those years together, even if they never spoke their 
feelings out loud."

"Hmm... you may have a point."

There was a long pause before he spoke again. "After all... they 
say that the best relationship is the one that's rooted in a 
powerful friendship. Maybe if they hadn't had that to begin with, 
things wouldn't have worked out as well as they did."

"Yeah." Her confirmation was almost a whisper, but the word was 
tinged with hopefulness. "I think you're probably right." 

Minutes went by as they both lay there, breaths deliberate, hearts 
full. And then--

"Scully?"

"Yeah?"

"I know I'm right."

Under the cover of darkness, Scully smiled to herself.


End

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