Night In Arcadia by Foxsong (3/15/99) R for sexual content (surprise, surprise). MSR, mild Mulder angst, RST Spoilers: Arcadia, FTF. Archive: Any/everywhere. I'm a ham. Just let me know. Feedback: By all means at Disclaimer: The X-Files and the charachters of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully are the property of Ten Thirteen and Fox. No copyright infringement is intended... just a little mild disrepect. Summary: Sleeping next to Scully in Arcadia, Mulder wakes from a nightmare. This is my revenge upon Chris Carter for making Mulder sleep on the couch again. :) I. In the dream I could hear the voice, soft and far away, murmuring, almost moaning, so piteous and heartbroken and pained that it almost frightened me. When I was startled from sleep by the quick movement next to me I was almost relieved. The shadows were unfamiliar, and for a moment I couldn't place myself... but yes. I was on assignment; I had moved into this house two days ago, under an assumed identity; Mulder - that was Mulder beside me, who'd moved and awakened me. I stretched a little and made myself comfortable, and meant to go back to sleep, but something - *something*... That sound. Was it...? It was Mulder's breath, rapid, shallow, uneven. He was sitting up, and when he hadn't laid down again in a few minutes, I began to wonder if I'd really dreamed that voice at all... or if he had heard it, and it had awakened him too. I sat up and turned toward him. "What is it?" I asked him. "Did you - " And stopped, because he was slumped over, his face in his hands, his breath coming almost in sobs. I put my hand on his shoulder and found he was trembling. "Mulder, you're shaking," I said aloud. "It's nothing. It's just a dream," he said thickly, and didn't lift his head. I put my arm around his shoulders; he was chilly, the fabric of his pajamas damp. "You're cold," I murmured, and I reached over and stroked the tousled hair away from his forehead, put my hand beneath his chin and turned his face up toward mine. Slowly he lowered his hands, and even in the dim light I could see the streaks of the tears glistening on his cheeks. And all at once I realized that the voice had been *his*, that *he* had tried to cry out in his sleep - "It's alright, Mulder," I found myself whispering, tracing the tearstains with my fingers. "It's over. You're alright." He swallowed hard, and hung his head, but I put both my arms around him and pulled him close. "What was it?" I asked, and he turned toward me, leaned into my embrace. "It was the same thing. It's always the same thing, every time," he began. I just kept stroking his hair, kept holding him. "It's Antarctica. I'm lost. I'm cold. They're chasing me..." He took a ragged breath, went on, whispering - I strained to hear him. "I can't find you. ...I can hear you crying. But I can't *find* you..." His voice trailed off. He pressed his face against me. "That's over now, Mulder," I murmured, "we're both safe now." *Every time*, he had said. *It's always the same*. "You've dreamed that before..." He nodded his head against me in mute reply. "Mulder." My heart sinking, picturing him waking alone. "When?" "Every couple of weeks. Five. Six. I don't know." "But Mulder..." I was aghast. "That was almost a year ago." "I know..." Even now, he was trembling. "Oh, Mulder," I breathed, rocking him in my arms. "Why didn't you tell me?" There was no answer. I hugged him tight, rocked him, kissed his hair. Finally I felt the tension begin to ease out of his neck and shoulders and back, felt the trembling lessen and finally cease. I held him and rocked him until at last he lay quiet, heavy and still in my arms; at last his breathing became soft and even. I think I held him for a long time. Did I realize what I was doing, at first? Maybe it seemed so natural because I'd loved him so long, because I'd dreamed it so many times. I was languid and sleepy and he felt so good in my arms. My comforting small kisses began to stray from his hair, began falling like soft rain to his ear and to the nape of his neck. The touch of my hands was transformed from reassurance to caress. He understood before I did; I didn't understand until he shifted in my arms, until he reached up to cup my face in his hands, and covered my mouth with his own. Protest flared and just as quickly died unspoken somewhere at the back of my mind. My arms slipped around his neck and kept me from sinking; the whole world had begun spinning, and I was grateful when his arms enfolded me, held me tight against him. The kiss went on for years. His mouth, his mouth, so sweet it burned - His mouth at my ear, my throat, my collarbone. His hands beneath my nightgown, stroking my shoulders and my back. I unbuttoned his shirt, caressed his chest, thrilling to the soft moan it brought to his lips. I ran my hands down his back and slipped a finger beneath the waistband of his pants. His whole body tensed in my arms, resisting. He lifted his head; I followed him, still kissing his ear, his neck. His heart was pounding so hard that I could feel the pulse at his throat. "Scully," he stammered, "Scully - we can't. We shouldn't - Scully - " " 'Dana'," I corrected him, and let my fingers trace a long slow line from his throat all the way down his belly. He shivered and took a short, sharp breath. "Dana," he echoed helplessly, and in that instant I knew I had won. I tugged at the drawstring of his pajama pants. He surrendered. Clutching me in his arms, he nuzzled my nightgown aside and buried his face in my bosom. We'd crossed the line. I had always known this moment would come; I had always known that this would never, never be. Now the moment, forbidden, fated, was upon us. This moment, this night, was our whole lives now, and we gave ourselves to it completely. Oh please, please... Let this night go on forever; only then might there be enough time to show him how I felt. Words were not enough. *Mulder*... He trembled as he touched me. His hands roamed my body, exploring, his fingers seeking out all the hidden places, his touch gentle and insistent. His kisses, feather-soft at my throat. "Mulder. Mulder," I breathed, and he took his lips from my ear just long enough to groan, "For God's sake, Dana - 'Fox'." So when the moment came I hid my face against his chest and sobbed his name - *that* name - over and over; he cradled me in his arms, kissed me, murmuring endearments, the words almost too low to hear, the tone sweet and soothing. When I could breathe again I pulled him closer, and kissed his mouth. I was dizzy with longing. And then - then he was upon me, he was *one* with me... In the way he clung to me I could *feel* his heart breaking, feel him drowning; feel all the fear and the loss and the hurt washing over him, washing away now in this new tide as it swept him up. He struggled against the undertow, but it was too strong. "Dana - hold me tighter - tighter," he gasped, and then, finally, "*Dana!*" just once - just once, as the great wave rolled over him; just once, wrung from him, like a confession. At last he lay still, spent, in my arms, naked, body and soul, tumbled helpless onto the shore, the dawn breaking around him and the long, long night over at last. I don't think he so much as opened his eyes. He shifted his weight off me, nestled close to me; he encircled my waist with one arm and tucked his face into the hollow of my throat. He let out a long, low sigh. There was no more tension at all now, no more shivering... just Mulder, dear Fox, warm and still, falling asleep in my arms. And I talked him into that sleep, whispering, warding off the nightmares. I told him how long I'd loved him and how long I'd dreamed of holding him, told him I would never leave him, that he'd never have to be afraid anymore. I didn't know if he was still awake, if he could even hear me. I told him as much for myself as for him. I told him everything - everything - until I couldn't anymore, until I felt myself drifting... asleep... In the first light of morning, he woke me. "Scully," he whispered. I heard him from far, far away. "Scully." I opened my eyes, focused, found him. I smiled. So did he. "Scully," he said again, his fingers tracing with almost unbearable tenderness the lines of my face and throat. "Scully. *Dana*. My love." "Mulder," I murmured. There was a light in his eyes that I had never, never seen. "Oh, Fox..." I cuddled closer. "Fox." We lay together and watched the morning fill the room with light. II. Running through the dark, in the cold. The sounds of pursuit hard behind me. Lost in the snaking corridors - snatches of voices, shouts - Now and again a cry that went straight through me. *Scully*. Keep running. *Scully*! - I sat bolt upright in the bed. *The dream. Just the dream.* I wiped my hand across my face and tried to catch my breath. Beside me Scully - *God! Scully*. - shifted a little in her sleep. I wished I was still on the sofa like the night before. "We shouldn't be separated," she'd said after the latest neighbor's disappearance yesterday night, and she was right, but - Damn. Why tonight? ...I had to stop shaking. I put my head down in my hands and tried to collect myself. Oh, too late. She was stirring. She was sitting up. "What is it?" she asked. Her voice was soft with sleep. She laid a hand on my shoulder. "Did you - Mulder, you're shaking." "It's nothing. It's just a dream." I couldn't keep my voice steady enough to fool her. She knows me too well. She put her arm around my shoulders. "You're cold," she said, and put her hand under my chin and turned my face toward her. I lowered my hands. Her fingers traced tears on my cheeks and I realized I'd been crying. "It's alright, Mulder," she whispered, stroking my hair. "It's over. You're alright." She put her arms around me. I hung my head, and turned away, but... *Scully*. I let her pull me closer. "What was it?" she asked. And I gave in then, and let myself lean on her a little. "It was the same thing," I said. "It's always the same thing, every time..." I didn't want to explain. She waited. She kept holding me and smoothing my hair with one soft hand. "It's Antarctica," I finally began. "I'm lost. I'm cold. They're chasing me..." It was hard to breathe just thinking about it. Scully leaned her head closer. "I can't find you," I whispered. "I can hear you crying. But I can't *find* you..." I was afraid I'd cry again. I turned my head and - It felt so good, just hiding my face against her shoulder. So good. Scully... Her arms steadied me. "That's over now, Mulder," she murmured. "We're both safe now." After a long pause she spoke again. "You've dreamed that before...?" I couldn't answer. I could only nod my head. "Mulder." She waited another moment. "When?" I swallowed. I wanted to lie but I couldn't, not to her. "Every couple of weeks. Five. Six. ...I don't know." "But Mulder..." I could hear it dawning on her. "That was almost a year ago." "I know." I couldn't control the shudder that ran through me. Scully hugged me tighter and started to rock me like a child. "Oh, Mulder. Mulder, why didn't you tell me?" What could I tell her? I let her hold me. Her hands were tender and soothing. She just kept rocking me and stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head. It was so good, so good... I gave in. I just gave in and leaned on her and soaked in the feel of her and the smell of her and the sound of her voice, whispering my name. ...Maybe this was what I'd wanted all along. I was almost asleep in her arms when it changed. The little kisses turned into caresses. Her lips lingered on the back of my neck. Under my head her chest rose and fell just a little too quickly. I thought I felt a tremor in her hands as she stroked my shoulder. My heart started doing something strange in my chest. If I waited another minute I'd never do it - I turned a little, reached up and took her face between my hands. And I kissed her. For a split second, nothing. And then she twined her arms around my neck and melted against me. I closed my arms around her - what a little thing she was! But the taste of her mouth - this, *this* was what I'd wanted all this time. All these *years*. Scully. I shouldn't be doing this. But Scully... It was the way I'd always dreamed it would be. No - it was better. I kissed her mouth, her neck, her ear, trailed kisses along her collarbone to the neckline of her gown. I don't even know when I reached beneath that nightgown, but then I was running my hands up and down her bare back. I was still kissing her. I wanted to kiss her forever. She was so warm and soft, pressed close against me. God! *Scully*! What am I *doing*? I wanted so badly, *so* badly, to go farther, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How would I face her in the morning? How could we work alongside each other after - after *that*? It was bad enough that we'd gone this far. But her mouth was irresistible, the taste of her skin unbearably sweet. Her back was so smooth and soft under my hands as I stroked it under her little cotton nightgown. Oh Scully, Scully... She'd unbuttoned the shirt of my pajamas and reached inside, her hands all over my chest, her arms slipping around me. I think I moaned - I couldn't be sure of anything; I was so far gone, it almost ached. I had to stop. Had to stop. I *couldn't* stop. Her hands on me - She was trying to pull my hips against hers, but I held back. She slipped her fingers under the waistband of my pants and my arousal mingled with panic. I lifted my head, meant to pull away - but she clung to me, her mouth insistent at my throat. Her tongue traced the edge of my ear. "Scully," I managed to gasp, "Scully - we can't. We shouldn't - Scully - " My heart was hammering. I thought I'd die if she didn't touch me, there, *soon*. We *had* to stop. I waited helplessly for her to be my voice of reason, as she'd been so many times before. But " 'Dana'," was all she said, and she scratched her nails gently down my chest. The shockwave ran through my whole body like some kind of lightning. I was lost. "Dana," I groaned. There was nothing I could do. Oh God, she was pulling at the drawstring of my pants. She was reaching inside. God help me. Scully. *Dana*. Forgive me. Her nightgown was bunched up above her waist, and I bent my head and nosed it aside and buried my face between her breasts. I was holding her much too tight. She was taking my pants off. I was going to *die*. Dana. Forgive me! It was like a dam had been broken, and everything that I - that *we* - had been holding back for so long came rushing through. Soon she had taken my pajamas off, and I pulled her nightgown over her head and let it fall aside. When I reached for her panties my hands shook. But she pressed up against me, almost purring, and I slipped them down her thighs - *oh*! Scully! I'd waited so long for this. She wrapped herself around me, sighing. I held her with my free arm and kept kissing her mouth, her ear, her throat. "Mulder. Mulder," she moaned, and all of a sudden I wanted - I wanted to hear - "For God's sake, Dana," I managed, " '*Fox*'." She smiled, her eyes half-closed. "Fox," she breathed. "Fox. *Fox*..." Her breath was coming quickly, in little gasps. She pressed herself against my hand, and then her fingers clutched at my neck and my side where she was holding me. She turned her face into my chest. "Fox - Fox - *Fox*...!" she cried, almost sobbing. When it was finished I cradled her in my arms and kissed her again and again. I found my voice - I told her how lovely she was, and how much I loved her... When she opened her eyes we just looked at each other for a long, long minute. Then she reached up and wrapped her arms around my neck. She started to kiss me - she drew me down, trying to pull me on top of her. I acquiesced and she wrapped her legs around me; she whispered in my ear, "Fox - *please*..." I sank into her. The whole world was right, and it was all Scully, and there was nothing more to do but to follow the rhythm of the desire. I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I was beyond words. I poured my whole soul into her and hoped fervently that she understood. I was close, so close - "Dana," I gasped, "hold me tighter - tighter - " and she hugged my neck, hard. I heard her whispering, "Come on, Fox. Come on, Fox," and I wanted to wait, to make it last just a little longer, but I couldn't. I cried her name, and fell into her arms, and tried to remember to breathe... It was too much. Too much... When I could move, I rolled over. She was kissing my face and stroking my hair and my neck and my shoulders with those soft, gentle hands. I curled myself around her. I never wanted to let her go. I was falling asleep... to the sound of her voice... Her voice, soft and sweet, a lifeline. She said she loved me. She said she'd loved me for years. She said she'd never leave me, said I shouldn't be afraid... I wanted to answer. My whole body was so heavy. I didn't have the strength to move. My mouth wouldn't form words. *Dana. Dana*... I think she moved a little in her sleep. I think that was what woke me. It was just beginning to be light. I turned my head on the pillow to see her face next to mine. Her red hair fell across her cheek like a fold of silk. Her perfect little mouth curled up ever so slightly at the corners. I reached out and smoothed the errant lock of hair away from her face. "Scully," I whispered. "Scully." I let my fingers trail along her hair. I stroked her cheek softly with the back of my hand. She was so beautiful. She'd never been more beautiful. If my heart hadn't already broken the night before I think it would have then, just looking at her. Then she opened her eyes, slowly... Her sleepy gaze settled on my face. That little upturn at the corners of her mouth became a real smile. I smiled back. "Scully," I said again, and kept caressing her face. "Scully. *Dana*. ...My love." "Mulder," she murmured. "Oh, Fox." She curled herself around me, sighing. "Fox..." I couldn't remember the last time I'd laid awake in the sunrise, just listening to the birds sing. But that morning, I listened.