If They Hadn't Taken a Detour 
By Amanda Finch 
Chaelysq@aol.com
-------------------------------------------------------------

CATEGORY: Humor
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: "Detour" (duh)
DISCLAIMER: I am in no way the author of these characters, 
who are owned 
by the 1013 Salvage yard and Chris Carter's Waterslide Park. If 
you're 
itching to sue me, realize now that it is not lucrative. I WILL 
PLEAD 
INSANITY.
ARCHIVE: only with various yadda intact
SUMMARY: A sort of "what if?" story, like what if there 
hadn't been a 
roadblock in "Detour", and Mulder and Scully had to attend 
that teamwork 
conference after all? Read on:

-------------------------------------
(Setting: Mulder and Scully are at FBI convention during a 
long-winded 
motivational speech, passing a note back and forth on a legal 
pad. They 
don't actually write their names before what they say to one 
another, 
that's for YOUR convenience. There are small cues to show 
actions...)

Mulder: (starting note) If he says one more thing about 
"interpersonal 
coordinative relations", I'm throwing my cell phone at his
head. Right now, I'm willing him to explode.

Scully: (putting down book) It's not spontaneous combustion if 
you  
WILL it to happen, Mulder.       

Mulder: You've been in the X-Files too long. I was just going to 
set  
him on fire. That's pretty spontaneous. Come on, amuse me, I'm 
bored
senseless...

Scully: You LOOK bored senseless...

Mulder: That's just my default facial expression. Right now, I'm 
actually bored senseless.

Scully: It's not my fault you didn't bring something to read. 

Mulder: I did! It's in my briefcase. But this month's issue is 
always a 
little too raunchy for public viewing.


Scully: It's not my fault you didn't bring something 
*interesting* to 
read. Aren't the articles supposed to be intelligent?

Mulder: I don't know, I've never read them. Besides, I only put 
them in 
my carry-on to divert security from finding the bomb. What are 
you 
reading? Trashy bodice-ripper?

Scully: It's a book of dissertations on Quantum Theory. Now let 
me read 
it.

Mulder: If you're not nice, I'll tell you the ending. Silly me, 
thinking 
you owned a bodice-ripper.

Scully: I do; I keep him in the closet until he's needed.

(Mulder reads it, hands it back, bites his lip to keep from 
laughing, 
spits coffee instead)

Scully: Oh, THAT'S attractive.

Mulder: That's what you get for springing your stealth-humor on 
me. At 
least I faced AWAY from you.


Scully: Yeah, but you sprayed that other guy.

Mulder: He's pissed. I'm trying to decide whether or not I care. 
Nope.

Scully: Will you leave me alone so I can read?

Mulder: Write it like you mean it and I might consider it.

Scully: LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN READ.

Mulder: Why did we decide to carpool with the two biggest 
syncophantic 
spazzes in the Bureau? Why couldn't we have just gone by 
ourselves?

Scully: Because YOU forgot to turn in our requisition for the 
travel 
expense, remember? 

Mulder: I don't recall that.

(Scully leaves legal pad in her lap and continues to read. Mulder 
takes 
it back.)

Mulder: Am I annoying you?

Scully: YES!!!!!!!!!!!

Mulder: Punctuation is a right, not a privilege. I ate the 
macadamia 
nuts in your minibar.

Scully: Good, because I stole your shampoo.

Mulder: Ha! I packed my own shampoo!

Scully: I should've known that.

Mulder: What's that supposed to mean?

Scully: Oh, you know, probably nothing.

(Long pause with no note-writing. Mulder wonders if Scully 
thinks he has 
a pampered coif. Taps fingers on notebook.)
Mulder: It smells like a cult in here.

Scully: But the red Kool-aid is delicious!

Mulder: (laughing) As long as you didn't take the brown acid.

Scully: Can I be honest with you?

Mulder: Ooooh, yes! Please!

Scully: Lift your head from the gutter.

Mulder: My entire body's in the gutter. You'll have to lift the 
grate.

Scully: In that case, I won't bother.

Mulder: Ouch. 

Scully: This book is boring.

Mulder: I heard the movie was better. All the quarks die at the 
end. 
It's a bloodbath.



Scully: If we blow this place, will anyone notice?

Mulder: If they do, I'll shoot them.

Scully: They took our guns, remember? 

Mulder: No guns at an FBI convention...We're like the Holy 
Church of 
Total Ineffectiveness.

Scully: We could whap them with my purse.

Mulder: I know you keep an inflatable raft in there, just in case. 

Scully: This is my formal purse.

Mulder: Maybe if you flashed L. Ron Hubbard up there, we 
could both get 
out.

(Scully elbows him, *hard*. He makes a squeaky, barely 
contained squeal 
of pain.)

Mulder: I keep my heart in there! Let's leave, find a good 
Mexican 
restaurant, and just throw down on some guacamole.

Scully: If you eat Mexican, I am NOT sharing a car with you.

Mulder: You can ride with your head out the window. Don't 
elbow me 
again.

Scully: Let's go. Nobody cares if we leave.

(They leave)

(Mulder is carrying Scully's purse, and wonders when THAT 
happened.)
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