* Title: "One Room, One Toothbrush, No TV" (1/1)
Author: RhymePhile
E-mail: RhymePhile@webtv.net
Rating: PG
Category: S, H, M/S UST
Spoilers: The Host, Home, Beyond the Sea
Distribution: Please forward to ATXC, and feel free to post anywhere.
Disclaimer: Fox and Dana belong to CC, 1013, and Fox Productions

Summary: Sexual innuendo, a confused clerk, a refining mask, and blue
lacy bras...blame the Wisconsin Cheese and Beer Lovers Society.

Author's Note: This is yet another for Dasha, who wanted to see my
version. And this is also for Heather Scotland, who let me play with her
cow in our upcoming collaborative story. The Slurpees are on me.
Oh, the ants in this story are hers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"One Room, One Toothbrush, No TV" (1/1)
by RhymePhile

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"God, I'm soaked," moaned Scully as she and Mulder stepped into the
motel office. "Think you could've parked any farther away?"

"It's not my fault the lot is crowded," he answered, shaking water from
his overcoat.

"But it would've made sense to make a reservation."

"How I was I supposed to know the Wisconsin Cheese and Beer Lovers
Society was going to be in town?"

"Okay, okay," she sighed, slumping down into a chair. "Let's not argue.
Sorry. Just get us a room so we can get started before I run out of
energy."

The motel clerk raised his eyebrows suspiciously.

"Since when do *you* run out of energy?"

"I'm good at the poking and prodding of bodies, but a working girl does
need her rest."

The clerk glanced down at Scully.

"It shouldn't take long," Mulder said. "You know how quick I am when it
comes to this type of stuff."

"Yeah, but Skinner prefers it when you are slow and methodical."

By this time, the motel clerk's mind was whirring and clicking, his
thoughts jumping ahead of themselves, piecing together the conversation
of the man and woman.

"But I can always whip it out just how he likes it," Mulder answered.

The clerk thought he would faint just then.

"I just wish you would put more effort into it. Sometimes you're in such
a hurry, I have to rush to keep up. You work too fast."

Mulder finally turned to the motel clerk, who seemed a tad pale for a
young man. Must have been the lighting.

"What do you have open, son?"

"Uh, um..." the boy stuttered, "because of the...convention, we only
have...uh, one room left."

"One room! Just great!" complained Scully.

"Well, it's either that or we have to do it in the car in the dark, and
the battery is low on mine. And I really don't want to drive any farther
and risk sleeping in the car," Mulder said to her.

"Guess I'll have to deal with it." She turned to the clerk. "Are there
plenty of electrical outlets in the room?"

"Uh..." he paused, his mind still going a hundred miles an hour,
wondering about this kinky couple, "yeah, I guess so."

"All right," Scully sighed. "C'mon, Mulder. I think I can trust you."

Mulder pulled the government credit card from his wallet and handed it
to the young clerk.

"Trust me?" he asked, smiling at her. "Just you and me, alone in one
room, together?"

"I can handle it," she smiled back. "I'm armed."

The clerk, his hand shaking now after hearing that last comment, handed
Mulder the key.

"Th-there you go, sir."

"Thank you," Mulder answered, looking at the boy curiously. He guided
Scully from the motel office back into the rain.

"What was with that guy?" Scully asked. "I guess he's never seen two FBI
agents wanting to write reports on their laptops before."

"Guess not."

Mulder found their room and opened the door.

"I'll get the bags," he said, and left Scully to run back out into the
rain.

She walked over to the bed and sat down. Looking around, she realized
there was more involved here than she had bargained for.

First of all, there was no furniture in the room other than a desk and
the nightstand. And the desk didn't even have a chair. There was a TV
though. At least that would keep Mulder busy.

Secondly, the bed she was sitting on was a Full, not the Queen or King
she had imagined.

When Mulder returned a few minutes later, dripping wet, he set the bags
down to look at the room in amazement.

"Uh, Scully..." he began.

"Yeah, I know," she replied. "Blame it on the Wisconsin Cheese and Beer
Lovers Society."

"Where am I going to sleep?" he asked. "Usually I can do fine in a chair
or something, but..."

"We'll work something out. Now take off that wet coat so we can get
started on the report. I'm falling asleep here."

Scully sat on top of the desk and plugged her laptop into the outlet.
Mulder sat on the floor next to another outlet to work on his.

"Done!!" he called out about half an hour later.

"See?" she whined. "You work too fast. I don't know why Skinner can't
tell."

"I'm talented," he said.

"You're a pain in the ass is what you are.=A0Give me some of your notes
so I can finish and go to bed."

"No way! That's cheating!"

"Mulder, we're working on the same case here."

"So?"

"So it's usually appropriate if one partner shares notes with his other
tired, overworked, bitchy partner."

"Well, okay, if you're bitchy," he agreed, handing them over. "But can I
get something in return?"

"Like what?" she asked, annoyed.

"Can you dance around in your underwear like Tom Cruise in 'Risky
Business'?"

She sighed. "Mulder, don't make me shoot you."

"Yeah, 'cause who would give you his notes then, hmm?"

While she finished, he walked over to sit down in front of the TV and
pulled the knob.

It came off in his hand.

"Scullleeee," he whined. "Look."

"We're going to have to pay for that, you know," she mumbled, and
returned to her report.

"Maybe if I..." Mulder attempted to put the broken knob back on, and in
the process snapped the antenna and bent the other knob.

Scully looked up at the commotion he was causing. "Mulder, can you just
sit still until I'm finished?!!"

"And do what? I'm bored."

"Think about something!" she huffed at him.

"Like what?"

"I don't know!!!" she moaned. "Just think about something and stop
making noise!"

"Okay," he said, closing his eyes. "Hmm, I could go for a pepperoni and
anchovy pizza right now. With olives. A Coke would be nice too. But not
the caffeine-free kind. The sugary, rot-your-teeth kind. And then one of
those Hostess frosted blueberry pies for dessert. Yeah. I wish this TV
wasn't broken. I think the Knicks are playing tonight. Are you going to
get me another Knicks T-shirt for Christmas? Mine is still ripped,
y'know. I never got around to replacing it after Boggs. Is it cold in
here? Maybe it's just chilly from the rain. Boy, it's raining hard. The
roads are going to be all swampy tomorrow. Oh, and we'll have to be
careful not to squish any worms. They always come out after a storm
because their burrows fill with water. Are they called burrows? I'm not
up on my wormology. I always try not to step on anything that looks like
a bug, becasue you never know who it might be. Reincarnation and all
that. But I wouldn't want to come back as an ant, though. I hate ants!
And cockroaches! Remember that time all those ants were in my bathtub,
and you had to help me kill them..."

"Mulder!!!!!" she screeched.

"What, Scully? Jeez, why are you screeching like that?"

"You...nevermind. I'm finished. Are you ready for bed or what?"

"Let me see if I can find my glow-in-the-dark boxer shorts first."

"Don't you dare," she threatened. "Whatever. Just get ready for bed."

"What are you, my mother?"

"Close enough."

"I guess," he said, and picked up his bag and walked towards the
bathroom. "You're cuter, though."

"Go in there and get changed, and I'll see what I can do about the bed."

Scully shut her laptop and reached for the phone.

"Hello?" came the voice from the other end.

"Yeah, hi. This is room 1201. I was wondering if you had a cot or
something available."

"1201?" The voice paused. "Uh, we don't have anything like that, sorry."

"Well, we don't even have a chair in here," she replied.

"What did you need a chair for?"

"To sleep on, of course," she answered.

"You sleep on chairs?" the voice on the phone asked, perplexed.

"I wasn't going to, but my partner is good at it. He said he didn't
mind."

"Look, lady, just do whatever kinky stuff you need to do, and please
don't call me again. Check out is at 12 noon."

And before he hung up in her ear, Scully heard the clerk say, "Freak."

"What the hell?" she wondered aloud.

Scully looked up at Mulder exiting the bathroom. He was wearing pajama
bottoms and a black T-shirt, and his face was covered with some kind
of...

"What the hell is that on your face?" she asked, staring.

"It's a refining and toning mask," he replied simply.

"Good Lord," Scully groaned, hand to her face.

"Hey, men can have a beauty regimen too, you know."

"You're kidding me."

"It makes my skin nice and smooth," he said, running his hand over his
face.

"Good Lord," she groaned again. "Mulder, you are *not* getting in bed
with me with that crap on your face."

"I know. You're supossed to wash if off before..." his voice trailed as
her previous statement sunk in. "Wait a second. What did you say? I'm
getting in bed with you?"

"I called the clerk, asking for a cot or chair or something, and he just
called me a freak and hung up."

"Well, I'm not going back out into the rain to defend your honor against
Clerk Boy. My refining mask will get wet."

"That's not what I meant...Mulder, the clerk didn't have a cot or a
chair, so you'll have to sleep with me."

"The floor is okay. I don't mind..." Mulder walked over to the carpet
that surrounded the bed. It was a horrible, gray, shag thing, with
stains of unknown origin, and it smelled of wet dog.

"Uh," he said, "on second thought..."

"No, I don't think you'll be able to fit on the desk."

"You want me to sleep on the *desk*?" he asked increduously.

"I thought you were going to suggest it."

"Jeez, Scully, the *desk*? That's worse than the floor."

She rolled her eyes. "I *said* you could sleep in the bed."

"Ugh. It's a Full. I think my feet are going to hang over the edge."

"It's that or the floor."

"Or the desk," he added dryly.

"All right, it's decided," she announced, picking up her bag. "Let me
change and then we can get some sleep."

Mulder had his half of the bed staked out by the time she returned.

Even though their relationship was plantonic and Scully trusted him with
her life as well as his behavior in bed, she wasn't taking any chances.

She was wearing a long, white nightshirt with a picture of a large brown
cow and a farmer on it. Underneath she wore sweat shorts that were a
hideous shade of puke green. Her hair was slightly damp and brushed back
over her ears.

"Ooh," he drawled, "sex-y."

"Go wash your face, Swamp Thing," she said, getting into bed.

He clicked on the bathroom light and began rinsing his face.

"Mind if I borrow your toothbrush?" he called. "You don't have any nasty
germs, right?"

"Mulder, that's disgusting!"

"So, what, you have germs?"

"No, but my toothbrush could be covered with any number of
illness-causing bacteria. Human saliva has been found to carry numerous
amounts of disease-spreading bacteria that live and thrive..."

"Too late," he mumbled, poking his head outside the door. Her
pink-and-purple toothbrush dangled from his mouth, covered in toothpaste
foam.

"EWWWW-WUH!" she yelled. "That has *got* to be one of the most
disgusting things I've ever..."

"Worse than the Fluke Dude?"

"Well.."

"Worse than the Peacock brothers?"

"Uh..."

"Worse than..."

"Okay, okay!! But it's nasty nonetheless."

"It was either use your toothbrush or come to bed with peanut-butter
breath."

He squished in the bed next to Scully and tried in vain to get
comfortable.

"This is something new for us, isn't it?' he teased.

"I can't believe you borrowed my toothbrush! Now I think I'll just carry
two around with me from now on. I get to pack for both of
us....AIGHHHHHHH!!!!!" she yelled, mid-sentence. "What was that on my
leg? God, it was freezing! Mulder, don't even tell me you brought an ice
cube to bed with you."

"On your leg?" he asked. "Oh, that was my foot."

"Your feet are made of ice!!! Quit sticking them on my side!" She
stressed this by kicking him.

"Don't worry, I won't. Your legs are hairy."

"Mulder!"

"Well they are! All stubbly and..."

"Then turn and face the other way. I can feel you breathing on my neck.
And quit pulling the blanket!"

"Aren't you glad I borrowed your toothbrush?" he breathed. "Hey, are you
wearing a bra?"

"Yes, I....Mulder!!"

"I only say that because I can see it through the back of your
nightshirt. Don't women usually take off their bras before going to bed?
Aren't they uncomfortable?"

"Yes. When I'm by myself, I take it off. But when I'm with my annoying
male partner who won't let me sleep, I keep it on."

"It looks like a light blue bra with lace around the edges," he said,
squinting. "Does it match your underwear?"

Scully turned over in bed to face him.

"Turn over, and GO TO SLEEP, Mulder. Keep your feet to yourself, stop
breathing on my neck," she pulled the blanket for emphasis before
turning back over, "and STOP looking at my underwear."

"But I can't see your underwaer," he pointed out. "You have those ugly
puke green shorts on."

"Well, stop looking at my bra, then."

She settled into her pillow and closed her eyes. "Now shut up. I'm
tired."

"Yes, dear."

He relaxed, and stared up at the ceiling for a few moments. Turning over
one last time, he said to her, "Y'know, Scully, we should do this more
often."

But all Mulder got in response was a soft snoring, and he knew she was
already asleep.


-Exeunt-


Adieu
RhymePhile

Feedback happily gnawed on at:
RhymePhile@webtv.net

*******************
Hello, Samantha dear,
I hope you're feelin' fine/
And it won't be long until
I'm with you all the time
-- "Calling Baton Rouge"
Garth Brooks
*